Blueberry Pie


Free flow -

lingers,

never subsiding,

never dividing.

Free flow is pie,

cherry, apple or blueberry,

(go on, take your pick)

that has an infinite number of pieces.

Free flow is cake,

perfectly moist,

with never-ending icing, in just the right

amount.

Free flow is a pan of brownies, mmm,

disguising itself as one thing,

fresh from the oven,

but really

it’s an endless rive of chocolate.

Free flow is

the All-You-Can-Eat salad bar,

nourishing, helping, teaching, guiding,

every one of us.

Free flow is form,

free flow is formless.

Free flow tricks us, if we’re not careful,

we may believe that everything is

separate -

when in fact, it’s not.

Free flow forms the formless into form -

trick, trick.

Making us want to believe that

the blueberry pie

is quite different from the apple or the cherry.

But that’s not the case.

They’re all the same.

Pie, cake, brownies, salad -

all are ONE -

living forever -

free flow.

Free flow.

A Helpful Book


Everything Happens for a Reason - I really can’t recommend this book enough. I can’t do it justice, there is no way. It is on my Reading Suggestions page, but I want to emphasize it in a separate post!

Everything really does happen for a reason. I absolutely believe it. I have survived so much. But not just survived, learned. And not just learned, embraced – all of my traumatic experiences.

While many will say (as I used to) that they can’t get past abuse, rape, losing a loved one (insert your specific trauma here) it just isn’t true. Not only can you get past it, you can actually learn to be GRATEFUL. Yes, grateful for what you’ve been through.

I would not change a single thing that’s happened to me. Not being abused, molested, raped, attacked, living in a homeless shelter, my illnesses (and much, much more), no, I would not change any of it. I learned from all of these hardships. I am actually glad all of these things happened to me because they made me stronger, they got me to where I am now. They have made me appreciate life. Life is too precious to waste your time being angry and depressed. Don’t waste time being bitter, it’s not worth it.

Yes, healing is a process. You will go through what you will go through. But I want to encourage everyone to re-evaluate their tragedies and see them as opportunities for growth.

I am saying this to empower. It isn’t true that you can’t heal. You can. Learn. Learn to see tragedy as a gift. It is a gift. From the universe which means to teach you.

Please buy yourself this book and see for yourself that I am not the only one who has benefited from tragedy. In other words, if you don’t believe me, READ and come to understand, others have been through horrible things and gone on to see the gifts in them.

I know there is nothing I can’t get through. Will things sometimes be hard? Yes. Will some things feel, for a time, as if you can’t make it through? Yes. But you can, in time.

I wish for everyone to believe in themselves in this way. Be empowered!

Things I Learned From Living in a Homeless Shelter. No. 6


In 2007, I spent several months living in a homeless shelter. It was one of my greatest experiences. One that I wouldn’t trade for anything. It was a gift actually. I had so much to learn and the universe didn’t let me down. It gave me the gift of “rock bottom.” Some of the knowledge I now possess, could not have been learned in any other way. I wasn’t unhappy in the shelter, I turned it into an adventure, and kept a great sense of humor. That is why you’ll find that some of my examples are rather humorous. Others though, are very serious.

Homeless Shelter Learns, No. 6:

I learned not to run off with guys that I barely know – even if it seems harmless to go have a little fun on the town, harm can most definitely come.

Jaen Wirefly and I have been having a very interesting conversation this morning and I thank her for it. It has reminded me of some of the dangerous situations I encountered (read that as me being impulsive) but survived living in a shelter.

There was this guy I knew who was occasionally allowed to stay at the shelter (being a single man, they rarely let him). I felt sorry for him because he had cancer. He’d survived it before. He’d been in prison for years (not saying why and please don’t ask) and it had been treated successfully there. But it came back. And this time, he decided he was done living. He wasn’t going to fight it a second time, he said, because it was just too awful the first time around.

Anyway, I felt bad for the guy. He’d been through hell, quite frankly, so I took pity on him. Pity turns out to be a bad thing. Not only does it enable people, but it puts the person giving pity in a bad situation.

One day, we decided to have some fun in town. We got on the bus together and rode around the city, hopping off here and there to get coffee, have pizza, and go to the zoo. After we’d had our fun, we were on our way to the bus stop, to catch the bus back to the shelter, when he just lost it. He attacked me in broad daylight, yes, cars going by, no one stopping to help. He ripped the very precious and expensive necklace that my grandfather had given me off of my neck. He told me that he should “probably take me in the woods and kill me.”

Why? Well keep reading.

He’d spent the day telling me that I was his only friend, his one true friend, and that I was the only person he could count on. I fell for that (by the way, when someone says that, run like hell). He’d also been telling me that if I were really his friend, I’d sell that necklace to help him out. I’d not responded to those statements, I had no idea what to say!

I can only guess that he was so angry at not having help, at being in prison for years, at the thought of dying, that he had no self-control left. He was probably furious that someone could have something so valuable and pretty while he had nothing, and probably envy, jealousy and rage took over. Obviously he was not very healthy mentally. I am sure having cancer did not help his mental state.

If you’re wondering what I did, I ran like hell! I ran to the nearest place, a motel, and got myself inside to safety and called the shelter to have their van come pick me up. No, I did not call the cops. Don’t ask me why. Maybe it was fear, that he’d come after me. I don’t know. But I didn’t.

Before I understood that I had BPD, I did MANY THINGS that I cannot explain. And sometimes people start asking me questions: why, how, when, where, who – that make me very uncomfortable because I CAN’T necessarily explain these things. Borderlines are usually extremely impulsive, so there’s the only explanation that matters. Thank goodness I have that under control now!

Well, back to the story, he did not attempt to stay at the shelter that night, thankfully. A day or two later he stopped by to tell me that he didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. Well heck, that did not upset me. And no, I did not freak out and yell at him or say a word. Again, don’t ask. I can’t explain. I just let him say what he wanted, it was a two-minute conversation.

Well, he is dead now, he died not long after this incident.

The truth: I have empathy for the circumstances that lead to his behavior. THIS DOES NOT MEAN IT WAS OKAY. It’s just that I understand he was very lost and hurting.

Many times I think we forget that when someone is violent there is a reason behind it. Years of neglect, abuse, maybe prison or cancer or some other illness. There is a moral in here. Try to understand why people do the things they do. Just try not to put yourself in danger in the process!

I took away very valuable lessons. Don’t go running off with men (or anyone) you don’t know very well. Don’t pity people. Try your best not to enable people, but also try your hardest to have empathy. And the other thing I learned: it’s not smart to wear expensive necklaces while living in a homeless shelter. That necklace meant a lot to me. I would never have sold it at the time, not even to get out of the shelter. I would now though. I value myself more and would have the realization that the necklace, while beautiful and sentimental, is not worth more than ME. It is now gone. I am sure someone found the necklace, maybe they had it repaired. If so, I hope they are enjoying it and that they are more mindful about wearing it than I was.

Love to all. Life goes on after rough stuff. I bear no anger toward this man. I am glad he is resting in peace now. 

I Was Told Farming Was Stupid


Just a short post here, to tell all of you, be who you really want to be. Live the way you want to live. Don’t let anyone tell you that what you want is wrong, impractical, stupid or impossible. YOU decide who you are and how you want to live, no one else.

As a child, I loved gardening. I was fascinated by plants. My mother gardened a little, but when I asked if we could use our very large yard to make a BIG garden, I was told no, it was too much trouble. Not only that, I was taught that farming was stupid. Farming is not stupid. My God, don’t we need more people who want to grow fresh fruits and vegetables to feed their local neighborhoods?

As a child, I loved writing. I was told I could never be a writer because “everyone” wanted to be a writer and it was not practical. No one took an interest in my writing, no one in my family supported it and it hurt. There were teachers that did, of course, but what does a child want: approval from their family members. So I never pursued it. I wish I had.

As a child I loved photography. My adoptive father would encourage me for a day, then discourage me for five. He’d compliment one photo and then tear apart the next ten. It left me feeling so confused, I stopped taking pictures until I was in my late thirties. As a result, I lost valuable time honing my skills!

As a child, I was told, you are not a real person, nor do you matter or have any clout in this world if you don’t have a degree and you don’t “go to work someplace” from 9-5. That’s bullspit. :-)

When I set out to tackle this thing called Borderline, my main goal (as makes sense) was to stop those empty feelings and figure out who I was – I thought I did not know, well guess what…

SURPRISE. I did know. I’ve known all along. I was just brainwashed into thinking those things were wrong! What robbery is this!?

Some of you may think you don’t know you who are, but I will bet that a lot of you do know, more than you think, it’s just that you haven’t yet given yourself permission to be who you really want to be and do what you truly want to do. Or, you’re listening to someone else’s idea of who you should be and what you should do with your life. Red alert: theft in progress! Don’t live in fear – compromise where you can, where it’s necessary, but don’t sell your soul to the devil!

LIFE IS TOO SHORT for that!

Give yourself permission to be yourself, as long as you’re not intending to hurt anyone, BE YOU! Live life the way YOU WANT. Yes, it may require a lot of work, patience, and some MAJOR sacrifices and adjustments but isn’t it worth it? If you don’t let you be you, how will you ever be filled with a sense of inner peace? Besides that, do you want to be 97 and thinking: I wish I had…

I want to write. I am and will continue. I want to take more pictures. I will as soon as I can walk better.

I want to get my degree, because it’s important to ME, and I will use that degree to write what I hope will be very inspirational books for children and adults (and maybe I’ll teach some DBT and anger management, too and perhaps treat a few patients). I will definitely continue with my poetry and I suppose at some point I might attempt a novel. I am not pushing myself to make numerous mind-boggling decisions at once. I take one day at a time while visualizing the future, knowing things can change and allowing them to do so.

I want to farm. Organically. I want to help feed my neighborhood. I will make all of it happen. Baby steps. I’m being and doing what  I want, right now in this post.

One tiny step at a time. One tiny step at a time.

It’s hard and scary at times, yes, but be you. This is YOUR LIFE!

If someone else robbed you as a child, don’t let the robbery continue by not allowing yourself to BE yourself.

Feeling Nuts?


Feeling nuts, crazy, bonkers – um, a little touched – mad as a hatter?

No, no, no, no!

Tell yourself:

  • I am an ART PROJECT, not quite completed. Glitter, where’s the glitter!?
  • I’m an entertainment center that hasn’t been properly dusted in a while, well, hell yeah, it’s hard to see the TOP!
  • Alright, I need a little primer and a fresh coat of paint and some clear coat!
  • I’m a solid porch, I just need to do a little sweeping. Yes!
  • I’m a good-looking bathtub, yeah, but I need to do a little scrubbing.
  • Nuts, NAW, I just need to have a mental garage sale! 50 cents for negative thoughts! :-)
  • I’m a cool cat car, with too many McDonald’s wrappers tossed on the back floor, let me just clean them up.
  • I’m a three inch binder, with WAY TOO MANY sheets of paper. I’m just overstuffed. Time to shred some things!
  • Oh, oh, I am a BED, that has not been made up nice in quite some time. I need some new bedding and brand new fluffy pillows.
  • Dear me, I’m fine, I’m only a couch that’s not been moved in a bit. I shall pull me out from the wall and clean up that mess. Oh, QUARTERS, cool! :-)

Believe you are OKAY and you will be. Work hard. Be good to yourself. ♥

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 244 other followers

%d bloggers like this: