Dear Bio-Dad…You are Forgiven

Dear Biological Father of Mine,

Well, first of all, forgive me for making you sound as though you are some sort of hazardous material or a recycled fuel! But I always call you Bio-Dad. With three to talk about I had to give all of you nicknames and that one’s yours. But I’m pretty sure you would find humor in that – yes, I think it would make you laugh.

I will choke on tears and a tightened throat as I type this, for these words are so hard to write. I guess it’s the not knowing, whether you are dead or alive, suffering somewhere alone and feeling hopeless and helpless, or in a place of peace, at last. I will always wonder what has happened to you. I’ve scoured certain websites, looking, sometimes shaking, to see if “that’s you.”

No matter where you are, living or not living, I want you to know that I forgive you. I feel no resentment or hatred.

I understand why you gave up your rights to me, so that I could have the surgery I so desperately needed – it was a very selfless act. I know, you couldn’t even come close to helping then, so you did the right thing, but oh, how hard it must have been for you to do it. For that, my heart bleeds. I’m so sorry it worked out that way, for both of us.

About the stories – the abuse, the drugs, the drinking, the random acts of violence – I’ve heard about them from Mom, and a few others.  But the things that you did, I understand. I know they came from a deep pit of hurt that you didn’t know how to deal with very well.

Biology speaks. I’m sensitive, too and that has created a lot of ruckus for me over the years. I’ve done things of which I’m not proud, yes, it’s true, and I know that if I could talk to you, I would be given your understanding and compassion. I know this from a place that has no name. I will just call it awareness.

I’m sorry that so many in your life saw you as bad – shunned you without taking the time to understand why you did certain things.  But I do, yes I DO understand. Your childhood was disastrous, hey, just like mine!

It would have been nice if Grandma and Grandpa could have acknowledged their role in your problems!  But I’m not so sure they had peaceful childhoods either, and so I have to forgive them also. Maybe that had no idea that they were letting you down. Even if they did, I try to remember that for many it is so much easier to run from a problem, rather than take it on, tackle it, own it, and fix it.

Please know, no matter what anyone else thinks, I don’t think you’re bad; I really want you to believe that this is the truth. I know what it feels like when people watch you create an “event” or a “scene” – label it horrendous, and then go on to judge you as a freak, a sinner, a crazed-nasty person, unworthy of life or love. Blind eye. They don’t see the pain that caused the actions. They see what they want to see. It is convenient.

If I could give you one gift, it would be that knowledge. It’s not your fault! You just have to do your best to accept this blindness, forgive people for what they don’t understand, forgive YOURSELF, work on fixing your own problems and go on to help others. If you are alive somewhere, I hope you’ve found a way to do this.

Sometimes when I think of you, I cry, feel sad, and can’t stop wondering. But the one thing that always puts a smile on my face is the snowball. Do you remember? You, living in Arizona at the time, called me late one evening, to say that it had snowed and that it didn’t do that very often where you lived, so you ran outside and quickly made a snowball and stuck it in your freezer. I remember you said you would save it for me, just to prove that it snowed! I’m sure the snowball is long gone, but the memory will always feed me my heart.

I hope these words make it to you, somehow.  I love you and always will. You made me, how could I not? And I know, just know, that you love me, too.

Love and warm thoughts always,

Your daughter

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39 responses

  1. The deepest healing comes from healing our relationship with our Bio-Dad (love the expression) … I did that too 12 years ago… and my life changed. Yet when I did meet him… and I am lucky that I did… the healing began again… for the child he left behind still wanted answers… the adult me… well… had done the forgiving and understanding… to this day… and it’s been 3 years now since we met… I use every opportunity of our communication as a healing experience!!
    thank you for sharing of yourself so honestly… God Bless you :))

  2. That is a stunningly beautiful letter. Forgiveness is a gift not just to those we forgive, but to ourselves also. Because hate just eats into our soul and robs us of peace. To forgive is to find peace and serenity of soul. :-)

    • Thank you Jessie. You are quite right about that. It liberates us. Hatred and anger solve nothing, though they can provide the spark that is needed to move on to love and forgiveness. Honestly, if I hadn’t spent so long being angry and hating, I would not have found my way to this peaceful serenity of which you speak. :-) It’s so true. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I always appreciate it so much.

  3. Beautiful and powerful. Forgiveness is a powerful concept and one I have not yet reached. I can understand the whys and the hows but reaching the point where I forgive, I am not there yet. One day perhaps.

  4. Pingback: Have you ever tried “Reverse Gratitude”? Try it now!! « Mystiic

  5. You’re a mystery, you keep unfolding layer upon layer.
    Bio dad- I’m picturing him as a cyber man, half metal half human! What happened? You say he gave up his rights so you could have surgery?

    • Yes, my Scoliosis surgery. My mother had no insurance. My Bio-Dad gave up his rights to me so that my Mom’s new husband could adopt me and pay for the surgery. But I know he didn’t want to give up his right to me. He did it for me. He saved me by doing it.

      Actually, he is a missing person. No one knows what happened to him. :-(

  6. That was so touching and beautiful. Your strength of spirit and kindness and compassion radiate through that post. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been, but to look back with love and forgiveness is an amazing thing. You inspire me :-). ♥

  7. I never had the pleasure of meeting my Bio-Dad at all, this does cause me to feel like half of me is missing, I am so pleased that you have found some peace today.

    Reading this was very touching and I thank you for your forgiveness as reading this has started me on a healing journey of my own.


  8. Very beautiful and sad. Such powerful words and though you are hurt, you wish him well and that is beautiful…
    I can feel a healing note to this…


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