Dear Bio-Dad…You are Forgiven


Dear Biological Father of Mine,

Well, first of all, forgive me for making you sound as though you are some sort of hazardous material or a recycled fuel! But I always call you Bio-Dad. With three to talk about I had to give all of you nicknames and that one’s yours. But I’m pretty sure you would find humor in that – yes, I think it would make you laugh.

I will choke on tears and a tightened throat as I type this, for these words are so hard to write. I guess it’s the not knowing, whether you are dead or alive, suffering somewhere alone and feeling hopeless and helpless, or in a place of peace, at last. I will always wonder what has happened to you. I’ve scoured certain websites, looking, sometimes shaking, to see if “that’s you.”

No matter where you are, living or not living, I want you to know that I forgive you. I feel no resentment or hatred.

I understand why you gave up your rights to me, so that I could have the surgery I so desperately needed – it was a very selfless act. I know, you couldn’t even come close to helping then, so you did the right thing, but oh, how hard it must have been for you to do it. For that, my heart bleeds. I’m so sorry it worked out that way, for both of us.

About the stories – the abuse, the drugs, the drinking, the random acts of violence – I’ve heard about them from Mom, and a few others.  But the things that you did, I understand. I know they came from a deep pit of hurt that you didn’t know how to deal with very well.

Biology speaks. I’m sensitive, too and that has created a lot of ruckus for me over the years. I’ve done things of which I’m not proud, yes, it’s true, and I know that if I could talk to you, I would be given your understanding and compassion. I know this from a place that has no name. I will just call it awareness.

I’m sorry that so many in your life saw you as bad – shunned you without taking the time to understand why you did certain things.  But I do, yes I DO understand. Your childhood was disastrous, hey, just like mine!

It would have been nice if Grandma and Grandpa could have acknowledged their role in your problems!  But I’m not so sure they had peaceful childhoods either, and so I have to forgive them also. Maybe that had no idea that they were letting you down. Even if they did, I try to remember that for many it is so much easier to run from a problem, rather than take it on, tackle it, own it, and fix it.

Please know, no matter what anyone else thinks, I don’t think you’re bad; I really want you to believe that this is the truth. I know what it feels like when people watch you create an “event” or a “scene” – label it horrendous, and then go on to judge you as a freak, a sinner, a crazed-nasty person, unworthy of life or love. Blind eye. They don’t see the pain that caused the actions. They see what they want to see. It is convenient.

If I could give you one gift, it would be that knowledge. It’s not your fault! You just have to do your best to accept this blindness, forgive people for what they don’t understand, forgive YOURSELF, work on fixing your own problems and go on to help others. If you are alive somewhere, I hope you’ve found a way to do this.

Sometimes when I think of you, I cry, feel sad, and can’t stop wondering. But the one thing that always puts a smile on my face is the snowball. Do you remember? You, living in Arizona at the time, called me late one evening, to say that it had snowed and that it didn’t do that very often where you lived, so you ran outside and quickly made a snowball and stuck it in your freezer. I remember you said you would save it for me, just to prove that it snowed! I’m sure the snowball is long gone, but the memory will always feed me my heart.

I hope these words make it to you, somehow.  I love you and always will. You made me, how could I not? And I know, just know, that you love me, too.

Love and warm thoughts always,

Your daughter

Absolutely Nothing is a Mistake!


Absolutely NOTHING is a mistake if you learned from it. No matter what you’ve done that YOU think is terrible, no matter what you’ve done that OTHERS think is awful, you have NOT made a mistake if afterward you found a way to grow.

Yep, so you made a “mistake.” Did you sit your butt down, think about it for awhile and realize some things? Did you think of a way you could do it better next time? If yes, then you have not made a mistake, actually what you did was have a mis-take. A miss on the take. You took to doing something and you missed. So what? It’s okay!

Don’t beat yourself up for mis-takes. They are PRECISELY what you need in order to accept yourself, move forward and become successful.

Tolerance


When you shun someone,

you are really shunning yourself.

Indeed, you are shunning all of humanity.

Don’t run from what you fear, don’t turn your back

on what you don’t understand. You cannot call yourself compassionate

if you shun. Shunning divides, it isolates, it ripples outward, throwing shards of harm,

across all places, all faces, and races. Across all religions, creeds and sexual orientations.

If you shun, you shun yourself. If you shun — you are to blame for others shunning, too.

Forgive So You Can Move Forward


Recognize that no matter who hurt you as a child (or as an adult), you have what it takes to overcome that pain. You really do, please believe it – have that faith.

More good news: not only can you overcome, you can also go on to forgive those who caused the suffering. It just takes some time.

If you’re like me, you may have carried around horrific rage and angst – for years – and then dished it out to others, here and there, thinking it was justified, or quite possibly not even realizing that you were doing it.

If you’re like me, later you may have realized you made many an “oops” and after some time passed felt terrible regret.

Well, hey, there is some more good news: you CAN also forgive yourself. Again, it just takes time.

It’s not the mistakes that you or others have made that are inherently bad, it’s the part about not forgiving that is the most harmful (or bad, if you want to label it that).

You have to forgive or you can’t enjoy now, never mind move forward. You have to forgive or you truly have nothing at all to give! And wasn’t giving what you wanted for yourself in the first place? Didn’t you want someone to give to you – to care?

You can give to yourself now, instead of continuing to take away from yourself – and how? By working on overcoming and forgiving!

Peace and love to all on this fine Sunday evening.

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